[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Friday, June 22nd, 2007|
|A long overdue update
Just came on here to take a look around, see what people are up to, and man, I haven't been on in 4 1/2 months.
I'm about to go home from my new job, working the night shift at a home for emotionally disturbed teenage girls. It pays fairly well, and I've got benefits up the wazoo.
I got into grad school, and as of September will be starting at the Master of Art Therapy program at Albertus Magnus.
Three days ago I signed the lease on my first apartment in New Haven. My friend Kay, who graduated with me, is moving out to New Haven to live with me.
I graduated cum laude from Marymount. I was selected as class speaker. My speech was received with a standing ovation, and I was quoted in the New York Times the next day.
Life is pretty good right now. More later, perhaps.
Love you all.
|Sunday, February 11th, 2007|
|WIll the this trite, OCD man never go away?
Random rant: I am watching the Grammys, and who gets up to sing but Lord of Emo Mediocrity himself, James Blunt. And what does he sing, ladies and gentleman? An excellent cover of a classic? Perhaps a new single? No, he picks up his acoustic guitar and proceeds to sing "Beautiful."
The. Song. Is. Fucking. Old.
The. Song. Is. Fucking. Lame.
I distinctly remember sitting through the goddawful music video (a.k.a. footage testifying to Blunt's apparent obsessive compulsive tendencies) when I was in London LAST FALL, and it wasn't even new then. The song is two goddamn years old, and it was never good to begin with. Are the Grammy coordinators on crack? What could this guy possibly been nominated for?
Thanks, guys. I needed a reminder for why I usually ignore awards shows.
Ugh. Current Mood: drained
|Monday, December 4th, 2006|
|Ghosts, past, present, future
Aaargh, why the wakefulness? Sitting before a glowing screen at 3:15 a.m., sunglasses perched on the top of my head (don't ask), sleep nowhere in sight...This is what I get for sleeping in and lazing about all morning.
I have a lot on my mind tonight. The semester is nearly over, and then one semester, and then...done. These four years, concluded.
It's a new beginning. But it breaks my heart.
I have grown a bit tired of new beginnings. There was a time I was addicted to them. "Starting over" was my way of running away from pain. But that's over now. I can't tell you the exact moment it happened, but sometime in these past few years I stopped running. Sometime in these past few years, this place and these people became my home, my family.
I remember, if I try, who I was when I came here. I was scared to death of what people thought of me, and starved for affection, and full of pain. I didn't know who I was. I felt as if I had no place in the world. I was full of hypocrisy and double-standards because I kept trying to alter my own ideas and feelings to match what I thought the world wanted from me. I thought that if I could be smart enough, thin enough, good enough, that then everything would fall into place.
I am not "smart enough," "pretty enough," or "good enough." Not in the way I used to think of these things. But everything did fall into place. Because I know who I am now. And I am who I am. It took tears and screaming and rage and hours of therapy and plenty of humility and plenty of egotism, but here I am.
And I feel so...unbelievably...free.
I think about the friends I lost along the way, and I'm still sad that things ended as they did, but each passing month it gets a little easier to let go. I cry for the broken people I couldn't help, only let go before I was dragged down with them. I was broken too. Maybe one day they will find out who they are and finally get the happiness they wanted so badly. I truly, truly, hope so.
I am still a dork, with a need for things to fall into neat little boxes of right and wrong, still struggling to be PC, still at war with selfishness and altruism, sin and transcendence, the world outside and the world within. Well maybe not at war with them. Maybe now it's just a debate.
If you can't stand how sugary and wistful this post is, get used to it, because I doubt this will be the last late-night contemplation I post.
Marymount, you have been so good to me. To my friends who were there for me, to every single person who taught me a lesson, you will never know how much it means.
Goodnight. Current Mood: grateful
|Friday, October 27th, 2006|
|Monday, May 1st, 2006|
|Sunday, April 23rd, 2006|
I sometimes forget how good it feels to be industrious. Current Mood: productive
|Monday, March 6th, 2006|
Been in Arizona since Thursday night. It is so dry here. Of course, no one will be surprised at that, but the fact is they haven't had any decent rain since October. Before that, August. It is dryer here than it has been in over one hundred years.
My skin shows it. I'm used to only putting on lotion after I shower, but here my skin demands moisturizing at the very least once a day. My lips seem to get dry just hours after I've saturated them in balm. On the bright side, my face has cleared up completely for the first time in weeks.
Already the concert part of the tour is over. We started in Tucson on Friday, in a church where my father has played annually for the past 27 years. It was a very responsive crowd, and their new CD sold well (I was overseeing the sales table). Then Saturday morning we swung up to Phoenix. The crowd was smaller and less enthusiastic, but they still stood to applaud at the end. We saw old friends, including a woman I hadn't seen in over ten years, who I remember making me feel more important and at home than just about any adult would have bothered to with an ugly eleven-year-old. She showed me a photo of her latest bulldog - she's owned many. I felt warmed by her smile and charmed by her sturdy turquoise jewelery. We stayed at the house with other old friends. In the morning the man, Vince, cooked us delectable omelets (who knew eggs and asparagus could go so well together?) and then showed me to the back yard where their were fruit trees. Before leaving we filled plastic bags with lemons, tangelos and grapefruits.
We stopped in Tucson, dropping in on the annual Jewish-Muslim Peace March. Then we drove down to Bisbee, a mining town-turned-tourist-trap. Lovely to visit, but I'd hate to be the kid who had to grow up there, isolated and dry and surrounded by touristas in overpriced cowgirl getup. One such woman showed up at my dad's concert, making my skin crawl with her designer poncho and cowboy hat, all-too-Connecticut debutante-like voice, and pasted-on smile. I much prefer the leathery, tapered-jean wearing southwest hippy types. At least they're genuine. We stayed at a beautiful house (designed and decorated by a chiropracter) in the foothills, where I played with an enormous and docile great dane and slept on the most comfortable pullout couch I could imagine.
This morning they played at a college outside Bisbee. I hate college concerts. Professors who like my dad make the concerts an activity for class, and the students obviously can't wait to bolt afterward. It makes me sad that so few people my age appreciate folk music. I can understand how it might be perceived as corny or just not wild enough. My roommate simply states that she hates the sound of acoustic guitar strings being plucked. But for me, the simple music I grew up with will always strike a part of me. These are the people who sing the unstylized truth about what's going on. They are the voice of the voiceless, expressing both outrage and hope. I wish more people my age would realize how important that really is.
Now we are back in Tucson. Soon we will go to dinner with our old friends Ted and Jackie. Ted and my father have been working together on and off for thirty years now. He is a tiny little Jewish man with bristling beard, fierce blue eyes, a sharp mind and a mouth that refuses to stay shut for any length of time. I used to be afraid of him when I was little. But then, by the time I was thirteen I was taller than he was, and he didn't seem so imposing anymore.
Then next few days will be quiet. I plan to get some walking done. In the past I've walked miles every day here, braving the sun to seek out thrift stores while Charlie and Karen practiced their repertoire. Perhaps we'll see a movie. We'll certainly peruse the thrift and used book stores.
It's good to be back. Some people have one home. My sense of being at home exists in pieces, spread across the country. Current Mood: voracious
|Thursday, February 16th, 2006|
|Is that a shallaunge?
The word "challenge" should always be pronounced with a ridiculous French accent for maximum effect. Or should I say, for maximum affect. Tee hee. Current Mood: rather silly
Ever have a (couple of) day(s) when everything you touched turned to shite?
Just one of those lifetimes. Current Mood: harried
|Monday, January 23rd, 2006|
|Ay, dios mio
I've decided that I have to drop my Spanish literature course. I picked up the first required book, and got a Spanish-English dictionary to help me out. I ended up turning to the dictionary just about every other word. I am out of my league here. Could I pass this class? Yes, with much hard work and perspiration. But I really think that if I'm going to get any really grasp on this language, I have to continue with conversational Spanish first. So off I go, in search of a professor who will do an independent study on Advanced Structure and Grammar with me. So far one has turned me down, as he already has 3 independent studies this semester. I'm about to go and intercept another as his class lets out.
Wish me luck. Current Mood: determined
|Sunday, January 8th, 2006|
|where is the cozy space between boredom and anxiety?
I haven't been out with a friend in over a week.
I'm hungry. I'm fat. Oh, yes, it's PMS time again.
My therapist who is right in all things tells me I need to stop thinking in terms of practicality. She thinks I should try to get gigs singing.
I am suddenly realizing something that I didn't know about myself - I am becoming afraid of failure.
I am satisfied with work, sleep, and watching back to back episodes of law and order. And then I see all the other things that other people are doing, the lives they are living, and I am overwhelmed by loneliness and a sense of mediocrity, even despair sometimes.
There are many people I want to see. There are many people I don't want to see.
When is it my fucking time?! Current Mood: aggravated
|Wednesday, December 28th, 2005|
|Harry who? Lord of the what?
Went to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with family last night. This film kicked the ass of every other fantasy epic based movie I have ever seen. And if you know my fixation with richly shot fantasy sagas featuring myriads of talented actors hailing from the Emerald Isles, you'll understand that I do not put that lightly. It was even better than LOTR. Sorry, Ian McKellan, but Tilda Swinton as the White Witch was the most perfect (and perfectly attired) depiction of a magic wielder I have ever seen.
Seeing this movie brings back to me how much I loved this book as a child. I'm surprised how much I had forgotten, not the story itself, but how it made me feel. The sadness of Aslan's trek toward sacrifice, Edmund's demons, and ohh, young Lucy and her enormous imagination, who when I was five years old reminded me so much of myself, the plump little girl with a magic world at her fingertips which no one would believe in.
And did I mention Mr. Tumnis, played wonderfully by James MacAvoy? Seriously, and I thought he couldn't get any more adorable. It's surprising what a pair of long, soft ears can do for a guy. This is the second time in a row that a gorgeous Irish actor I've been crushing on has taken the role of my favorite character in a favorite fantasy novel. I just can't wait until the Last Unicorn comes out. I think I'll orgasm in the cinema.
In closing: see Narnia. Walk, don't run, to your nearest theatre and see it. Even if you can't appreciate as voraciously as I do, it's undeniably a great film
|Wednesday, December 7th, 2005|
|Oh, the possibilities...
Number one thing I am looking forward to when I get back: all the new DVD releases to catch up on! I predict long periods of vegetation, basking in the glow of various BBC miniseries. (Definately gotta see the Pride & Prejudice mini starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...fuck the largely inaccurate Keira Knightly cultfest presently in theatres. Jennifer Ehle is far more beautiful, AND talented.) Current Mood: optimistic
|Thursday, December 1st, 2005|
|On a day like today
The best horoscope I've had in a while:
I was born in Texas near a facility that manufactured nuclear weapons. When I lived in South Carolina, my neighbor was a bigoted Klansman. During my time in Philadelphia, I found a hand grenade on the sidewalk. I was shot in North Carolina and beaten up in Michigan. I've almost been arrested on fraudulent charges twice, once in New York and once in Washington. Despite it all, I love America--every part of it, the red states as well as the blue states. I love its loudness, unpredictability, extravagance, and contradictions. I'm intrigued by the bizarre myths at the heart of the public discourse and entertained by the hysterical tone of that discourse. Now, using my example as inspiration, Gemini, proclaim your appreciation for influences that sometimes drive you half-crazy.
I had another test this morning. This time on a luscious 5 hours of sleep. In spite of very minimal studying, I am once again fairly confident of my ass kickage. So, two tests down, four exams and two term papers to go. Bring it on.
Things I love that drive me crazy:
-My entire immediate family
-My friend Abby
-Just about every guy I've ever been in love with. Damn those roguish pirate smiles and dancing eyes.
-My tendency to have a completely different personality every 3 months or so
-America, yes, I love it too. I am determined to get out to Arizona and New Mexico at some point this winter, after I have basked in New England snow for a bit.
-Playful perversion and gutter mouths
And my life in general. Because in spite of being single, lost, envious, affection starved, and somewhat bored with myself, if you asked me right now whether I am happy with my life, the answer would be a definate yes.
On a day like today, gray clouds, cold rain, bags under the eyes, lank hair, nightgown tucked up under my sweatshirt, I am more content and comfortable with myself and with the people around me than I have been for...maybe my whole life. Funny how that works out. Goodbyes will be much harder than I thought. Current Mood: indescribable
This letter is to inform you that PEMU 1101 001: Pilates , a course in which you were previously enrolled is not being offered in the Spring 200 6 semester. As a result of this, all students in this course have been dropped and now have a vacancy in their course schedule. We apologize for any inconvenience that this may cause you."
Goddamn them! This one class I was looking forward to more than all the others, this one class they cancelled. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Figures. I am so pissed off right now. How dare they rob me of my physical fitness education, nevermind my gym credit.
Fuckers, I say! Grrrrr. Current Mood: pissed off
|Monday, November 21st, 2005|
|We never change, do we
I've missed the first part of class today. Late start, and all. So I'll just sneak in during the break, pretend to pay attention, and grab the day's handout.
I hate not giving a shit. I really do. But how can you care about a learning environment which doesn't seem to care about you?
I'm glad that I'll graduate from Marymount while it's still there. I feel sorry for those being moved to the other Fordham campuses. I think Fordham should be ashamed of how it treated its small, frail sister school. The staff, the students, we have all been treated abominably. I guess it's all that good Jesuit spirit brimming over, eh? But I'm also glad because I've now had a chance to learn at a big, coed campus. And mainly what I've learned is that I have an extreme dislike for big, coed campuses. I know for sure now that I went to the right school. Here I feel reverted back to high school. So maybe I never changed. Maybe the environment did. Enligtening, if a little disapointing.
The month-to-go countdown started yesterday. So what's left to do? Well, I'm dividing my time four ways: a)spending time with the friends I've made here to make the holidays away from home feel a little less empty, b)trying to force myself onto something aproximating a normal sleep schedule (right now my Circadian rhythms are stuck on EST), c)writing up four term papers and studying for four term exams, d)cramming as much of cheap-yet-enriching London culture in as possible.
Last night I went to see "Not About Heroes," a dramatization of the relationship between WWI poets Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen. I think I'm falling in love with the character of Wilfred Owen. I think maybe the men I search for in the world belong to a different time, when honor and humility and loving friendship were more important than masculinity. Rather, when these things were PART of masculinity. Do men who believe this even exist anymore? Or am I doomed to chase ghosts the rest of my life? Current Mood: contemplative
The guy standing next to me at the printer in the computer lab has the WORST BO! Yuck! Just thought I'd let y'all know.
|Tuesday, November 1st, 2005|
Over the weekend, Karen, my father's wife and my good friend, had pretty serious surgery. They had to remove a massive cist from her liver, as the doctors were afraid of hemmorhaging. She got through it, though there was some internal bleeding and she had to go back for a second operation. She is now recovering and my father says she is doing much better.
|Thursday, October 20th, 2005|
|swooning in the parched desert of my degree...
Okay, that's just a really poetic way of saying that the stuff I have to read for psychology is for the most part really fucking dry. The up side is that my knowledge of this fact shows that I am FINALLY GETTING WORK DONE! Yippee! Yesterday I only left the house for eggs and a copy of "Time Out". I spent the rest of the day indoors, drinking Black Cows (a wonderful concoction Holly showed me comprised of coffee, milk, cocoa, and oodles of whipped cream), watching the tube, and looking over upcoming free events in the week ahead in "Time Out" so I can plan my week. I've decided that, in order to get things done and fill up my schedule, a To-do list just isn't enough. So I plotted a chart of my whole week, hour by hour, including classes, walking time, studying, events and exhibits I want to attend, etc. Sound OCD? Only if you do this kind of thing on a regular basis. This is my attempt to organize what has been disassembling into a very messy and barely productive existance. Take that, "OO! Shiny!"-impulse. And just to prove it, I'm spending the day at school, digging through various dusty psych journals as supplemental reading to the notes they hand out in my classes.
Otherwise nothing incredibly new here, crazy adventure, catharsis, or romance-wise. Let's just say that this should be a week of swift progress in the productivity of my life. And to boost that theory, I offer you my horoscope for the week:
"Brazil's Ryoki Inoue may not be the best novelist in the world, but he's definitely the most prolific. He averages about 100 new works of pulp fiction every year. On one particularly creative day, it took him eight hours to churn out an entire 195-page story about crooked cops and drug dealers. He's your role model for the coming week, Gemini. Whatever your field of endeavor is, try to supercharge your productivity. The astrological omens suggest that not only can you do so, but also that it will be good for you to do so. Your other role model is Marcel Proust, who was one of history's best novelists. Be as fast as Inoue and as brilliant as Proust." (www.freewillastrology.com) Oh Jesus Tapdancing Christ, I'm starting to reference my LJ entries! Ahhh, crazy research mode! Current Mood: busy
|Tuesday, October 11th, 2005|